Dave's Top 10

Top 10 More Fun Ways Rick James Could Have Died.

2004-08-10T14:57:00.000-07:00

10) Hari Kiri
9) Run over by a double decker British bus
8) Riding an Acme Rocket into the side of a cliff
7) Two words: Falling Anvil
6) In a caged death match against Luther Vandross
5) Drowning in a vat of “Soul Glo”
4) In a Super Freakin’ explosion!
3) Trampled by the Solid Gold Dancers
2) In a stunt accident filming the sequel to The Last Dragon

And the number one more fun way Rick James Could Have Died
1) Getting MC Hammered.

Top 10 Reasons for Tom Ridge to go to Orange

2004-08-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

10) He thinks Yellow’s not slimming enough
9) Someone took his stapler again
8) He keeps getting prank calls from someone who asks if there’s enough Johns in the Whitehouse
7) The grocery store ran out of Creamsickles again.
6) The Dingo ate his baby
5) Someone put a thumbtack on his chair
4) He lost his red Sharpie.
3) The Florida Agricultural Lobby said so.
2) Because Green makes him look pasty.

And the number one reason Tom Ridge to go to Orange
1) The chicks, man. The chicks.

Top 10 City Slogans

2004-07-28T10:28:00.000-07:00

(Yes, these are all real cities…)
10) Albuquerque, NM: “Shit, we can’t even spell it!”
9) Birmingham, AL: “Just south of anywhere normal people like to go!”
8) Wilmington, DE: “Destroying your credit rating daily!”
7) Lebanon, NH: “No, not that Lebanon”
6) Cheyenne, WY: “The Biggest Truckstop in the Union!”
5) BraSwell, GA: “The land of milk and… well, just milk, really.”
4) Kickapoo, IL: “A City and a Pastime!
3) Bird-in-Hand, PA: “Worth More What You’ve Got in Your Bush!”
2) Vancouver, WA: “Seriously, We’re NOT Canadian!

And the Number One City Slogan: Cripple Creek, CO: “Great Parking Spaces for Everyone!”

Top 10 Other Things Governor Schwarzenegger could have ended this sentence with besides “Girlie Men”

2004-07-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

“If they don’t have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, ’I don’t want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ...’ if they don’t have the guts, I call them girlie men.”

10) Chumpsuckafools
9) Beeoootches!
8) Pantywaists
7) Polesmokers
6) Will and Grace watchers
5) People who still think they’re in Arsenio’s Dog Pound
4) Facts of Life fans
3) Quiche Eaters
2) Rich. Very rich.

And the Number One Thing Governor Schwarzenegger could have ended this sentence with besides “Girlie Men…”
Bob.

Top 10 Signs the Amendment you Sponsored isn’t Going to Pass

2004-07-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

10) When you cast your vote in senate chambers, everyone’s staring.
9) Joe Lieberman keeps snickering whenever you walk past.
8) Ross Perot keeps leaving you messages saying, “See?! SEE?!?!”
7) When you deliver your sponsor speech, Ted Kennedy moons you from the balcony.
6) Even Greenpeace lobbyists keep snubbing you when you walk by.
5) Your Secretary wears a paper bag over her head.
4) Security keeps towing your car out of the “senators only” parking space and then pretends they didn’t know you were a senator.
3) All the freshmen Reps keep grabbing you and giving you swirlies.
2) The Senate tourguide keeps referring to your office as “The Morgue”

And the Number One Sign the Amendment you Sponsored isn’t Going to Pass:
Your name is Wayne Allard.

Top 10 Ideas for Michael Moore’s Next “Documentary”

2004-06-30T15:35:00.000-07:00

10) Fahrenheit 2-1 the Breast that Destroyed Football
9) The Kevin Bacon Conspiracies: Six Degrees of Hate
8) America on Atkins: Bread, the Devil Among Us
7) Dodgeball: A Nation in Peril. Of Red Rubber Balls.
6) Milk: The Silent, White Killer
5) Squiggy Revealed: David L. Lander’s Collusion with the Sandinistas.

4) Earthquakes: The Republican Attack on California
3) Bowling for Columbus—How the American Indian Tricked America into Buying his Blanket
2) Washington: The Devil President

And the Number one Idea for Michael Moore’s Next “Documentary”
Mr. Rogers & Me—The Real Fred Rogers in all his Communist Glory

Top 10 Categories for “Jeopardy” that didn’t make the cut

2004-06-29T10:40:00.000-07:00

10) Famous poo sculptures
9) Famous prison rape victims
8) Trebek’s lost loves
7) Quinine Recipes
6) The truth about Christ
5) Vegetables that begin with the letter 7
4) Nazi War heroes
3) Erotic Tatoos
2) Things that rhyme with Orange

And the number one Category for “Jeopardy” that didn’t make the cut…
John Kerry’s hair

Top 10 Places Not to Take a Woman on Your First Date

2004-06-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

10) Home to meet your folks
9) Anywhere where “feed” is sold
8) The concession stand at K-Mart
7) Hooters
6) On a high speed chase through South Central L.A. away from cops.
5) Two words: “Slurpees and Smokies!”
4) Anything involving the word “wrestling”
3) To see your comic book collection
2) The animal research facility your kid brother, Don, works in.

And the number one place not to take a woman on your first date:
Casa Bonita

Top 10 Signs Your Marriage is Over

2004-06-22T14:12:00.000-07:00

10) Your wife keeps referring to you as “Old Dirty Bastard” and she’s not into Hip Hop.
9) Whenever you try to kiss your wife she responds with, “Is that a new toothpaste you’re using? ...Or did Death Himself poop in your mouth?”
8) You keep finding thumbtacks in your scrambled eggs.
7) You get three milk deliveries a day… And your wife is lactose intolerant
6) Whenever your mother-in-law calls and you answer the phone, she sounds surprised to hear your voice.
5) There’s a rattlesnake in your sock drawer.
4) Your wife signed you up for this year’s Sabaki Tournament.
3) Your kids keep referring to you as “Old Daddy,” and the milkman as “New Daddy”
2) When you show up for thanksgiving dinner at the in-laws, they keep gesturing at you and saying, “Who invited him?”

And the Number One sign your Marriage is Over…
Your wife is Elizabeth Taylor.

Top 10 Things Overheard while Waiting in Line to Have Bill Clinton Sign his New Book

2004-06-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

10) “Damn! They’re out of latte already!”
9) “…So I said, ‘screw you, I’m takin’ billy bob and goin’ to my momma’s house and if you follow me I’m gonna cut you!’ and the next thing I know, I’ve got half a dozen Arkansas State Troopers on my doorstep talkin’ about ‘threatening the Governor…’”
8) “Wait a minute! You’re a child support lawyer too? Man, I wonder how many of us are hanging around here?”
7) “Anyone order four pizzas?”
6) “…Yes, I designed the purses myself!”
5) “Bill?! Bill?! Dude! I thought this was the line for George!”
4) “That’s Jennifer with a G…Christ Bill! You think you’d remember!”
3) “Is that Kenneth Starr…? Oh never mind! That’s just Max ‘Willie Tanner’ Wright from TV’s Alf!”

2) “I’d still like to blow his saxophone…”
And the Number one Thing Overheard while Waiting in Line to Have Bill Clinton Sign his New Book:
1) “I’m just here for the donuts.”

Top 10 Signs Your Father is an Al Qaeda Terrorist

2004-06-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

10) The towels are always missing from your bathroom
9) There are fifteen different women living in your house named "Mom"
8) Your dad's idea of fun involves a bunch of horses and a goat corpse
7) Your brothers keep "spontaneously combusting"
6) Your middle name is Bin.
5) "Pork" is slang for sex and nothing more to you
4) When you go shopping for cars, the first thing your father asks is, "how many gas tanks will this hold?
3) Virgins are really important to him
2) He's just "going to the store," but handed you the latest revision of his last will and testament.

...And the Number one sign your father is an Al Qaeda Terrorist:
He keeps asking you to wear "This Vest of Many 'Road Flares'"